OT: Do any of you have/had a co-dependent relationship w/ a parent?

Re: OT: Do any of you have/had a co-dependent relationship w/ a parent?

feeds@yuku.com (yawadah) — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 04:11:03 GMT

I totally agree with DaenaCat's advice! My mom has always been a trial, but when I was going through my divorce it went off the charts bad. Badbadbadbad. Finally, in the midst of a divorce, all that stress, financial concerns, and worries about the kids--a neighbor sideswipped me on the way to work. It was just the straw that broke the camel's back. It broke me. I called my mother (because isn't that what mom's are for? Like isn't that their job description--pat children...

Re: OT: Do any of you have/had a co-dependent relationship w/ a parent?

feeds@yuku.com (DaenaCat) — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 03:04:49 GMT

*big hugs Taryn*

Mom issues are so difficult. I wanted to share something I've learned in dealing with my mother that has helped me a LOT in dealing with everyone. I really don't like telling someone to "Shut up" -- even when saying that is totally warranted!! With my mom, when she is being hyper-critical, hurtful, hysterical, fear-inducing and confrontational I have to find a way to defuse it. Saying "shut up already" would just escalate her behavior....

Re: OT: Do any of you have/had a co-dependent relationship w/ a parent?

feeds@yuku.com (ty19) — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 02:09:36 GMT

Well, CBK is a fashion icon, so I'm sure you look great. I love neutrals as well.

>>She will not tolerate any disrespect from me, yet oddly tolerates it from others.<<

She probably still thinks of you as a child, not as an adult. Children arent supposed to disrespect their parents. Blah blah blah. Maybe you could just say, "Enough! I don't want to hear it anymore." Something to cut her off." If you tell her to shut up, the world won't...

Re: OT: Do any of you have/had a co-dependent relationship w/ a parent?

feeds@yuku.com (JustTaryn) — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 01:30:40 GMT

Thanks, Ty. See, my fashion inspiration is Carolyn Bessette Kennedy, and she had similar coloring to me, and she always looked fabulous in neutrals like navy, khaki, white and black. I came to realize I wanted to look at photos, take away my own ideas from them and adapt them to my lifestyle. I was always self-conscious about my clothes in my 20s, when I wore prints, ill-fitting clothing, pastel blazers and ugly pants (which my mom oddly liked). When I started dressing classically and in...

Re: OT: Do any of you have/had a co-dependent relationship w/ a parent?

feeds@yuku.com (ty19) — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 01:14:58 GMT

You can't change people, you can only change your reactions to them. Your mom can't be the perfect cookie cutter mom, either. She has flaws too. She has made mistakes in her life & doesn't want you to make mistakes. But the thing is, you have to live your own life. Forgive her. Forgive yourself too.

Maybe you need to learn how to communicate with her better. You could say, "It hurts my feelings when you say...." But when people are just laying on criticism...

Re: OT: Do any of you have/had a co-dependent relationship w/ a parent?

feeds@yuku.com (JustTaryn) — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 20:45:00 GMT

Jo, I don't dress badly, but it's not her style. I prefer basic cuts and in neutral colors. She likes pastels and patterns, etc. She told me she could see why a teenager would want to wear black, but doesn't understand why I do. What she doesn't understand is that I'm not making statements with my clothing, it's just what I prefer and feel what looks good on me and there's nothing more to it. I'm also not going to wear pink shirts because someone else likes...

Re: OT: Do any of you have/had a co-dependent relationship w/ a parent?

feeds@yuku.com (CallMeJo) — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 15:34:59 GMT

Let me just ask a question here about this issue. Assuming there isn't any true toxicity involved, do you understand how a parent could be disappointed that a child didn't turn out the way they had hoped? No flames, please, and I'm not even sure this question applies to any of the respondants to the OP, but I've been thinking about this in connection with another matter recently.

When we birth our children, don't we have hopes, dreams, plans, expectations? And...

Re: OT: Do any of you have/had a co-dependent relationship w/ a parent?

feeds@yuku.com (DaenaCat) — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 15:14:37 GMT

Taryn -- it is SO hard in letting go of the guilt. It really is one of the hardest lessons I've hard to learn -- and even so, I slip back into old patterns sometimes. Thankfully I can recognize that and sort of reassess things and work on it from there.

The things I've learned about BPD and how to deal with people who have BPD have affected my relationships with everyone for the better. I'm much less stressed than I was. I think the coping mechanisms and way of...

Re: OT: Do any of you have/had a co-dependent relationship w/ a parent?

feeds@yuku.com (vampygirl13) — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 09:43:02 GMT

Megan-

My mom was the same way, child of a ragin alcoholic. Amazing loyalty issues. If she and I had a fight she would try and rally friends and family to 'her' side. Still does to this day and it drives me insane!

Re: OT: Do any of you have/had a co-dependent relationship w/ a parent?

feeds@yuku.com (AnnieW625) — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 09:13:22 GMT

Just want to send you some good vibes from sunny CA!

I have a really good relationship with both of my parents and I am very happy I have that. Sure times have been tough, but we've made it work. I can't really offer much advice on the subject but it sounds like you have a good therapist and his/her thoughts seem very mind opening and it's good that you are thinking about them. I love the don't go to the coke machine for an orange juice analogy.

Re: OT: Do any of you have/had a co-dependent relationship w/ a parent?

feeds@yuku.com (cider8) — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 08:58:36 GMT

Al-anon has saved my life. I don't have much of a co-dependent relationship with my parents, but after being in the 12-step program I am able to recognize certain behaviors. I'm also able to recognize co-dependent behaviors in myself and I've found tools for working on them. Are either of your parents children of addicts? Being raised by an ACA can make the co-dependency thrive. I highly recommend attending a 12 step support group. If you don't like the first one you go to,...

Re: OT: Do any of you have/had a co-dependent relationship w/ a parent?

feeds@yuku.com (Donna Panel) — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 08:56:42 GMT

DaenaCat wrote:
She cannot take even the slightest disagreement or what she perceives as criticism and is totally and only black-and-white in her thinking and opinions of people.

That sounds exactly like my mother. I finally ended up severing ties with her for my own mental health.
Taryn, I can't tell you how many lives I've seen changed by the 12 Steps. I hope you get something out of...

Re: OT: Do any of you have/had a co-dependent relationship w/ a parent?

feeds@yuku.com (JustTaryn) — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 08:34:49 GMT

DaenaCat wrote:
But I had to realize -- that this was MY problem and I had to find a way to deal with it. In other words -- she can't change.

Daena, this right here perfectly sums up my situation. I'm just not doing all that well at finding a way to deal with my guilt and various emotions that come from our conversations and relationship.

It's weird - there's good days and bad. Some...

Re: OT: Do any of you have/had a co-dependent relationship w/ a parent?

feeds@yuku.com (MeganGMcD) — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 08:29:45 GMT

My mother and I are actually very close. She has been my rock during some of life's most trying times.
BUT...no matter how great a mother/daughter relationship is...there is always tension. My mom grew up as a child of an alcoholic, and when I finally accepted that my grandparents didn't always walk on water...I became more forgiving of my mother. My parents also grew up in very different ethnic cultures. It sounds bizarre but my mom came from a crazy Italian/Lebanese family with...

Re: OT: Do any of you have/had a co-dependent relationship w/ a parent?

feeds@yuku.com (baileybreathe) — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 07:59:03 GMT

I read this recently and loved it. Hope it helps. "There is no more difficult time in adulthood than when the fog of childhood is lifted and you realize that your parents are just people." My mother is a sweet, southern woman from Vidalia, Georgia who is the epitome of a steel magnolia. It has taken me years to figure out that she has frustration, anger, regrets and fears just like everyone else and being a sensitive child, I sensed all these feelings growing up but...

Re: OT: Do any of you have/had a co-dependent relationship w/ a parent?

feeds@yuku.com (vampygirl13) — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 04:42:15 GMT

Daena I was hoping you would answer since I think our moms are related!

I need to look up more on BPD although my mom would never admit she has it!

Re: OT: Do any of you have/had a co-dependent relationship w/ a parent?

feeds@yuku.com (cosmeticjunkie) — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 04:33:34 GMT

Many here know my story. I won't go into it but in the end, I walked away from her. She is now referred to as "she who birthed me". Remember that it takes two. Look into understanding the "why" as in why you feel the need to have a toxic person in your life. Why you allow (and yes, you allow it ) to continue since you are an adult and have your own life. Why her approval and her presence is so important to you.

I understand you wanting a "mom"....

Re: OT: Do any of you have/had a co-dependent relationship w/ a parent?

feeds@yuku.com (DaenaCat) — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 04:21:44 GMT

I think I did, for most of my life. My mother has Borderline Personality Disorder (you might read up about it -- there may be info that would enlighten you about your mother if she's a BPD-type)... and is much the way you describe in her expectations of me. She cannot take even the slightest disagreement or what she perceives as criticism and is totally and only black-and-white in her thinking and opinions of people.

It really has taken me a looong time to get out of that trap...

Re: OT: Do any of you have/had a co-dependent relationship w/ a parent?

feeds@yuku.com (vampygirl13) — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 04:01:00 GMT

Taryn-

Sending you hugs. No matter what relationship you have with your parent(s), it can be hard!

My brother and I have figured out my mom is a baby bi-polar. We both have had issues with her in the past (me to the point where we didn't speak for 3 months) and my brother when she finally figured out he was gay (everyone else knew!).

Basically is IS about control. You have to be in control of what you are going to let eat at you what you just have to let go....

Re: OT: Do any of you have/had a co-dependent relationship w/ a parent?

feeds@yuku.com (Donna Panel) — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 16:48:15 GMT

Co-dependent Anonymous is a great place to go. They use the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and that offers a way of living that anyone can benefit from, even if no substance abuse is involved. My issues with my mother sound very much like yours, but I went to Al-Anon because of my husband. It deals with co-dependency issues and that's when I saw that I also had issues with my mother. All that passive-aggresive behavior and manipulation and of course everything was always about her. She...

OT: Do any of you have/had a co-dependent relationship w/ a parent?

feeds@yuku.com (JustTaryn) — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 15:42:03 GMT

My therapist has concluded this is a major problem in my life. My relationship with my mother is loaded with toxicity. To sum it up succinctly, the song Mamma Mia basically describes word-for-word what our relationship is like.

To follow the song, I'm heartbroken that I will never be able to have the relationship I want with her, when she doesn't call me (i.e. "leaves"), I feel frantic with guilt and abandoned, when I try to forget her for awhile, she occupies a...